I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
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Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Before crowbars crows drank alone
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”