@DaHess1: I have an outstanding credit score and even know a dude named Tanner but I'm still not white enough to drink pumpkin beer.
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@Tw1tter_K1tten: Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn't give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
@MatCro: [office] DAVE: We're having a baby SUE: Congratulations! ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
@lilgapeach30: Stepped on an action figure in the shower and simultaneously invented six new cuss words in four different languages.
@wolfpupy: dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot