I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
You Might Also Like
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Every damn time
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job