@wittwitbarista: I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who's nutritionally responsible for two children.
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@tastefactory: Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I'm trying to watch this with my mom
@KalvinMacleod: [lips on a snake] WIFE: what are you doing? ME: getting rid of the poison WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite SNAKE: leave him alone
@theshamingofjay: Cop: did you do it? Me: no Cop: you know it's truthful Tuesday right? Me: it's actually Wednesday Cop: damn it, who's your crush then
@KimMonte10: Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment