@wittwitbarista: I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who's nutritionally responsible for two children.
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@GoddessTitty: Going to get a facial today... this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
@Mr_Kapowski: If you encounter another Dad in the wild wearing a #1 Dad shirt, you must fight to the death. Disneyland has never been so fun
@sofarrsogud: It's like my pet hippo doesn't even realise it's my pet. DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.