I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
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me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.