Apparently, this is how the world ends.
You Might Also Like
The days of good grammer has went
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy: