[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
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Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.