i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
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I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
[at the general store]
me: one general please
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.