I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
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Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long