I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
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MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
#FunnyLife Insects
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees