I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
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I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
u spoke cat all this time??????
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!