I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
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Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
i love modern commerce
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police