7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
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Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.