I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
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PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws