I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
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imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school