@CourageDR: I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there's no point in bothering with hash browns then.
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@ItsAndyRyan: WIFE: I can't believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
@maisonwithapen: *shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe* yoga instructor: you need to leave me: oh is this not child's pose?
@FrenulumBreve: BOSS: I'm sorry I just don't trust your judgment. ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
@ValeeGrrl: Shoutout to moms leaving long birthday notes to their kids on social media when their child is both illiterate and not on social media.