I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
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Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”