My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
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Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Every time my phone rings
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”