@Arroia: I have failed math eleventeen times or so.
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@moooooog35: I don't trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
@Lexactly: Nothing makes a friendship more awkward than saying "Cute doggie" and realizing it's their kid
@TheBoydP: Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
@LostFelicia: Daughter singing: In your hand... In your hand. Me: Zombie? It's in your HEAD. D: No! The car keys you've been looking for the last 10 mins.