I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
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I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Please do it!
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan