I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
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That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.