I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
You Might Also Like
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
How I like cutting carbs
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things