I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
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People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Jail
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*