So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
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Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.