Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
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Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice