I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
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Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
📽️movie date🎞️
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?