I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
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Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Phones down.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!