I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
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If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
The dark side of Canada
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.