I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
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me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!