I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
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They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
*pronounces surface like Versace*
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast