i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
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Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I think my husband is beginning to suspect