I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
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When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.