@WilliamAder: I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips...
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@That_Damn_Duck: *Watching YouTube videos* Boss: What are you watching? Me: .... Boss: ... Me: Church? Boss: That's a dog on a unicycle. Me: Praise The Lord!
@MikeDrucker: TWITTER USERS: It would be nice if you stopped people making death threats. TWITTER: OK, but what if those death threats could be LONGER?
@i_Lean: "Name him Mufasa, it means "king" in Manazoto. And uh, we'll call HIM Scar. Because his face." Simba's grandparents were the real villains.
@hippieswordfish: robber: give me the money! *points gun at cashier* cashier: wait thats just a blow dryer nervous snowman patron: please just do as he says!