Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
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I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Okay
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
huge if true: the moon
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.