@LeagueofNope: I have never once hit a drink or treated one badly so don't tell me about alcohol abuse!
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@AdamBroud: *Sees ant carrying a leaf that weighs 3x its body weight* Wife: Can you imagine being that strong? Me: *Picking up leaf* Yes.
@MichaelJTiberi: Why is everyone bragging about how great it is to have kids? I slept till noon today, and the only person who threw up last night was me.
@all_about_today: What I've learned from twitter is that if I tell a joke to 1,300 people, at least 2 will laugh.