@donni: "I have no advice. I can't talk! I am a building." -Prison advice
@ZackBornstein: Doctor: I'm sorry, but your Dad's in a coma.
Doctor: He's in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
@MoarCaffeine: Being poor means having to read the menu card from right to left.
@meganamram: "It's not you, it's me." - Humidity, to Heat
@Trigg3rHippie: Financial status:
10 days ago: eating cat food.
Today: eating the cat.
@edgarrants: Telling my wife I'm taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.