I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
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I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
#Caturday
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
I need better friends
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Just got to our Airbnb!
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions