I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
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Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.