I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
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GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Me as a therapist: omg same
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat