I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
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Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.