My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
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My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Why font matters.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones