I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
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God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.