I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
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[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school