Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
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Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.