[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
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ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
the simulation is moving too fast