I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
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You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Thursday