Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
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Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
what?
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity