My sex drive has a dui
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If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
☠️☠️☠️
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Succinctly put.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵