I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
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What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?