For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
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My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.