@Heather2Go: I have the body of a 25-year-old girl, a 25-year-old who has recently been eaten by a 40-year-old bear.
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@MensHumor: Halloween is, by far, the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch.
@Audenary: *notices ham sandwich while searching inside myself* 'wait, if that's here' *son opens lunchbox to find debilitating existential malaise*
@david8hughes: Juror: we find the defendant guilty Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn't Judge: he has a point
@fatguythe: Hid my daughters ipod in my other daughters room cause they've been getting along lately and there's nothing on tv tonight.