Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
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If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
A new level of troll.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.