I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
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Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?