I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
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When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.